Welcome to this blog. I was first diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder in October 2007, shortly after getting married. In hind-sight I have been living with depression for a lot longer than that. I attempted suicide at 16, and that was simply the culmination of a long period of desperation.
As part of my recovery I have been reading a lot about depression and other people's experiences of it. There are a lot of people writing about how they have been able to rise above their depression, and about their desire to get better. Unfortunately this hasn't been my experience. Much of my struggle with depression is wrestling with the desire to make myself worse. I don't want to get better, I don't want to improve.
Saying these words tends to put people off-side, with many not wanting to help if you don't want to help yourself. The paradox of depression is that the illness itself prevents us from wanting to improve. Once you want to get better, the rest is fairly easy. A prescription for anti-depressants, a lot of counselling and your life should get better quite quickly. The problem is that many of us don't want to do this. Many of us would rather be sad, hurting and in pain. That's why I'm writing this blog.
I am depressed, but high functioning. I have a job, a wife and a few friends. I am usually able to make myself go to work and social events. I generally maintain a reasonable level of hygiene and I'm able to refrain from self destructive behaviour.
None of this means that I am happy.
For me, the biggest irony of depression is that through counselling and a lot of introspection I have dragged myself up to a high level of functioning. I am not in imminent danger of killing myself. But this has done nothing to make me any happier. Even medication seems to just help me get through the day, not bring joy into my life.
This blog is a place for me to share my ideas, but also to give voice to anyone who is depressed and doesn't want to be happy.
As part of my recovery I have been reading a lot about depression and other people's experiences of it. There are a lot of people writing about how they have been able to rise above their depression, and about their desire to get better. Unfortunately this hasn't been my experience. Much of my struggle with depression is wrestling with the desire to make myself worse. I don't want to get better, I don't want to improve.
Saying these words tends to put people off-side, with many not wanting to help if you don't want to help yourself. The paradox of depression is that the illness itself prevents us from wanting to improve. Once you want to get better, the rest is fairly easy. A prescription for anti-depressants, a lot of counselling and your life should get better quite quickly. The problem is that many of us don't want to do this. Many of us would rather be sad, hurting and in pain. That's why I'm writing this blog.
I am depressed, but high functioning. I have a job, a wife and a few friends. I am usually able to make myself go to work and social events. I generally maintain a reasonable level of hygiene and I'm able to refrain from self destructive behaviour.
None of this means that I am happy.
For me, the biggest irony of depression is that through counselling and a lot of introspection I have dragged myself up to a high level of functioning. I am not in imminent danger of killing myself. But this has done nothing to make me any happier. Even medication seems to just help me get through the day, not bring joy into my life.
This blog is a place for me to share my ideas, but also to give voice to anyone who is depressed and doesn't want to be happy.
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